He is my heart, I am his body.

The first time I saw my Guardian angel’s face, I fell down on my knees, begging his shadow to safely hide me from anyone who could see my trembling form.

No questions or screams ever left my throat, whilst he softly caressed my hair with feathery fingertips.

It was another hopeless ending to another endless day and I didn’t feel restrained to now fall into the ruthless hands of a murderer. Maybe it was what I had been looking for. Danger, death, anything that would break apart the pieces of my life that were cutting through me like an army of razorblades.

I was ready for defeat, my frail body joining the asphalted ground of an alley that lead to corners of the city where muffled screams and gunshots never slept.

The begging of my mind to be freed from its painful memories once and for all must have touched my voice with audible words, my pleas making his gorgeous eyes squint.

I silenced as a sob climbed up his throat and crawled through his lips like a tortured animal.  

Crystal hints of his skin melted into the air, his silhouette becoming transparent as drops of silvery, shiny water fell from his dark eyes. A ghostly delusion, an image that was born from my infected mind.

I was convinced I had lost all sanity, seeing and feeling this boy who couldn’t really be here.

Then he fell down on his knees in front of me like I had in front of him, imitating my howling cries whilst resting his delicate hand on my cheek, a touch that felt like a ray of sunlight in a cloudy world, a heartbeat thumping against a dead chest, so soothing, so full of love.

Love. If love would have a face, it would be his.

“I’ve lost my wings, I couldn’t take care of you, I’m so sorry, I couldn’t take care of you,” he whispered words only I could understand.

The past years, I had been through things that had awoken my craving to die. All I had tasted up till this moment I met my guardian dear, was failure and loneliness.

Everything faded when I heard his grievous voice. For the first time, I looked my own broken heart in the eyes and I desperately wrapped my arms around him to keep him and myself from dying there and then.

“d-don’t cry, you don’t…don’t need your wings,” I stuttered, stroking his strong back carefully. He felt like a porcelain doll in my arms. My forgotten superhero.

“Then how can I protect you? How can I guard you?” he bent his head and I could see rivers of sadness washing away the small alley that decorated our sights.

“Walk beside me, you don’t need to fly…Just walk beside me and don’t ever leave,” I told him and his sobs silenced at ones.

I soothed my own guardian angel, my porcelain doll, my broken heart.

This first encounter, it never stopped. Since that evening, he’s been walking beside me, invisibly to others, but crystal clear to me.

He is my heart, I am his body. He is my angel, I am his halo.

He lost his wings because I had lost my faith in him. You should see the smile on his face now they’re growing back.

He is my guardian dear and I will never give up on him anymore.

I will never give up on myself anymore.

—————————————–

I believe that somehow, we should all believe in guardian angels…Don’t ever give up on yourself ♥ There’s always someone or something beautiful to live for. xoxo

We just don’t belong.

“Shhh,” the ebony haired boy whispered softly, his hands tracing fresh lines of sadness in his lover’s face.

“Don’t you dare doing this,” the other boy stuttered, his hands grabbing those resting on his face and ripping them from his skin.

Every touch that used to feel like a bliss to his senses, now  felt like a humiliating one, a hushing caress to numb the goodbye that his love was forcing upon him.

“ We just don’t belong, we’re guys…guys don’t date” the boy spoke and he placed his last kiss on top of his lover’s trembling lips.

——————————

“I’d really love to meet your friends…” a sweet looking girl brushed her cheek against her lover’s.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea sweetie,” her boy replied, before looking over his shoulder and scanning the empty hallway for any wandering students.

“Why not?” she frowned, stepping back from him as she folded her arms nervously across her chest?

“They don’t see you like I do, babe. I mean, they won’t look past this…” he sighed, sliding his pale finger across her chocolate colored arm.

 ——————————

“Why don’t you wanna come with me to the swimming pool?” he pouted, wrapping his arms around his picture perfect girlfriend.

“I don’t want to be feel embarrassed,”  she shrugged, pulling her hair back in a ponytail swiftly.

“What are you talking about, you have a gorgeous figure…” his fingers ghosting over her slender back.

“I wasn’t talking about my figure,” she bit her lip softly and then rolled her eyes at him.

——————————

Have you ever been rejected by your crush, your boyfriend or girlfriend or simply a friend because of how you look, who you are, what you like,…?

When I was in high school, I fell in love with a boy that had been my friend since I was 6. He said he cared about me, shared his secrets and kisses with me, held me close…

But he never did this out in the open. It was just us two, at my place, or his, and he’d ignore me at school and anywhere else where there were other people. He’d insult me or laugh at my dreams whenever we were alone as well, but I let it happen, I was so in love, and love tends to make you very dedicated to someone, even when it isn’t right, even when it’s so hurtful.

When I found the courage to confront him with the fact I didn’t feel like being his secret anymore, he told me I just didn’t fit into his daily life, his popular gang of friends. He loved me, but not enough to show the world that he did.

After he said this, I blamed myself for who I was, forgave him for his harsh words and kept seeing him…Then eventually something snapped inside of me and he had been crushing my heart for so long, making it impossible to still be near him.

I wasted five years on that kid, pushed other sweet boys that I had feelings for away from me, gave up on real, heartfelt relationships I had with others to return to his metaphorical dungeons in which his unspoken love kept me a prisoner.

But as I grew up mentally and gained more respect for myself and the power to reflect on how people treated me, I was able to let him go. He acted as if he had done nothing wrong, as if he couldn’t understand, even though I knew about his endless flirts with other girls, playing the same game with them as he had played with me. So he very well understood what he was doing to me, to them, to us.

We were his easy victims. But I no longer tolerated being a victim, I wanted to be anything but that.

So girls, boys, whenever a lover isn’t treating you well and when you talk about it with him/her and he just doesn’t change, step away from your relationship, how hurtful or hard or scary or lonely it may be.

Eventually, time heals and hearts flourish to be loved by someone new.

Respect yourself – love is about the sharing of passionate dreams, finding beauty in someone’s flaws, accepting someone’s personality, someone’s life…

I really hope you’ll all be able to find this special someone, this special feeling of endless love. Believe in it and you will, sooner or later, I promise, you will.

Your heart deserves to be unbroken…

xoxo

The darkness I need

“What are you watching?” Justin’s soft voice broke through the buzzing inside of Paige’s head.

“Nothing…just the outside world I guess,” she sighed, gently leaning her forehead against the dusty window.

“What do you see?” he smiled, twisting his fingers around his battered guitar, caressing the tired but willing strings that begged to sing another song.

“The dark…it’s all I see. A dark world out there,” Paige bit her lip, her mind twirling by the sound of her own voice.

It was late, her mood was heavy and she couldn’t put up with being nothing more than Justin’s best friend right now. Every word flowing from his lips settled underneath her skin, squirming like feral rats, making her feel feverish and uneasy.

Nothing he said would ever be enough to mend her yearning heart, no laughter coming from his mouth would still her hungry need for affection. She loved him, in so many more ways than he loved her, and it was slowly eating her alive, these love-filled desires that were not fulfilled.

Justin’s hands stilled and he lowered his gaze, his friend’s unhopeful testimony dragging his gorgeous smile off of his face immediately. He inhaled sharply and stood up, leaving his beloved instrument to rest on the couch he had been sitting on.

Angry waves of passionate blood were thumping against Paige’s skull and she closed her eyes, trying to calm down her endless feeling of love for this boy that was now overflowing her senses. She just wanted to sleep, but she knew he’d have to leave her again in the morning and it was worth the pain to sit and talk with him all night, building memories.

The boy now stood behind her, his body lingering near hers, as he pressed his lips to her hair and curled his arm around her shoulder.

“There’s more than the dark to see…Have a closer look,” he smiled against her cheek, now looking outside together with her.

A shaky breath escaped her lips, as her heart tried to break out of her chest. He was so close, too close for her to cope with.

A haze of tears spread across her eyes and she shook her head involuntarily, not able to see or say anything this very moment. There was just him, her and her longing to let them melt into ‘us’.

“Fireflies,” he whispered against her warm skin, his head resting softly upon her shoulder. “There’s fireflies out there.”

She quickly brought her hand up to her face, brushing some fleeing tears from the corners of her eyes, trying to focus on the outside world once again.

“There’s always some light out there in the darkness,” he spoke gently but wise and she shivered as Justin could so easily soothe her mind.

“Always something to hold onto…” she replied hoarsely as she leaned her back against Justin’s chest.

“Or someone…” he mumbled, nuzzling her shoulder lovingly and sweet.

She smiled as goose bumps travelled across her skin and stared right into his eyes as he spun her around carefully to face him.

“You’re my firefly,” he pronounced the words so silently, it almost made them non-existent.

“You’re the darkness I need to make me shine,” she replied automatically, her heart writing poetry with her voice.

Through the dusty window you could see, two silhouettes holding each other in a subtle light, and one kiss changing the future to an entire life.

————————————————-

I did a contest on twitter where I asked to send me your crush and why you liked him/her so much – and I’d make a love story for someone lucky!The winner was @paigebieber, I hope you enjoyed this little short story darling! I’ll be doing some more contest soon, keep on eye on my tweets xoxo Love and fluffiness

Empty Monday mornings

She watched him sleep, her killer, her lover. His eyes tightly shut, nightmares behind them, unseen, unreal. Her fingers traced his strong jaw line, chipped fingernails leaving small, red marks on the skin she loved so much.

She wished to tear him apart, the one who traded her kisses for cold goodbyes on empty Monday mornings. But then there were these Saturday nights, when her bedroom door would crack open and he’d sweetly caress her hair, whispering “baby, I’m back now, I’m back.”

Blissfully he slept here next to her, ready for claws to close around his neck. But she would forever be his prey. Never able to destroy her hunter.

“I love you,” she whispered against his bare collarbone, sad kisses trailing the man she couldn’t say goodbye too.

“Mmm,” he mumbled, a blind response to the flourishing touches that lingered on him.

In his dream, he saw himself running away from the one he needed so much, the love he had failed to believe in for longer than a night or two. The pain of missing her, leaving her, looking for her again.

But it was all he could give. He loved her for as long as his tormented self could handle, before his sweetness would transform into hurtful words and misunderstandings.

In his dream, he ran from her. In reality, he came back to her. And the other way around.

Grasping his hair softly, she pressed herself against him, gently waking the boy from his sharp yet velvet sleep.

“You’re killing me,” her voice ripped apart his kohl heart.

He trembled, not knowing when the dream had ended and where reality would get a hold of him.

“I’ll  bring you back to life, baby…” he cried.

Another winterday…in Paris and Rome…

Soooo I just recorded this little video for my friend Vincent who kinda wanted to hear me sing. I love my friends way too much, I mean, I’m sick and I’m singing? What’s up with that? (yeah I’m babbling because I’m nervous to post this video, haha!) Enjoy *runs and hides* xoxo

Click here to watch the video 

Ps. ooh yeah I love my fireplace in the background… :D

Happily never after.

He ran.

Crashing through the corridors of the place that held his high school memories.

Running, running from them, just a rushed step following another hasty one.

Tonight, he’d walk this silent hallway until the scorching tears would stop flowing from his bloodshot eyes. He would trail along, touching the walls with torn fingertips, hands that had never learned to love.

So now, his eyes would say goodbye to everything he never really had. Maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to fool his mind for as long as it would still live and he would imagine he had been happy here.

Because imagination was the only thing he had left. The truth was as cold as a vicious winter breeze, hitting you like a rock when you slip out of your warm and safe bed to enter a new day.

A truth wherein he forgot how he was supposed to smile and why.

How it felt to have friends who’d nudge his shoulder playfully and speak up for him when he lost hiswords. The way a young heart would flutter when finding a tiny love letter in a locker or the surreal feeling of somebody offering him to meet up after school – to hang out, to be friends, to be cool. To be wanted.

All of those things a kid needed to grow, mentally, physically, healthily.

No wonder his heart was almost invisibly pounding inside of his chest. It was still so small and full of fragility.

He pressed himself against the wall that had once fractured several bones in his body. He sat on top of the desk in his classroom, his, that always had an empty seat next to his own. Erasing every memory, replacing every thought.

“I was happy, I was happy.”

But he couldn’t succeed, he just couldn’t bring himself to believe his desperate lies.

He sank down, looking for a softness, a gentleness that would help him to get back on his feet. But there was nothing but the tiles on which thousands of students had strolled, danced, spit, sneaked.

Now, it felt like they were all walking over him, very determined and resentful, wanting to smash the bug on the floor.

He raised his head as his body crumbled under the heavy pressure of invisible feet, and caught his painted reflection in the glass doors of the school entrance.

Was it possible to die when a heart got broken? When thoughts could not be rearranged?

The paint on his face looked smudgy and he knew he would not leave this building anymore tonight. Not as a free soul, not as a loved boy, not as a sane person.

But, although he hadn’t found the smile he longed for, the paint had drawn a determined grimace across his mouth and cheeks earlier, when he had come here, afraid to fail and frightened to break down with a broken expression plastered to his features.

His last attempt to smile before he’d be locked up in new corridors, far, far away from the laughter that had rained down on him, the bruises his home had left, the eyes of bullies and the sanity that had driven him to insanity.

“And he lived happily never after,” his thoughts whispered, when they took him away from the school building and drove him towards the mental institution.

That’s the last thing he ever thought.

—————————————

Sweet guys and dolls, please be careful when you judge someone, even if he or she acts ’strange’ or is a ‘loner’. Some kindness and an open heart can mean a lot to someone…Don’t let it come the point of people losing themselves because others had left them all alone in the woods of loneliness. Love & hugs xoxo

My tiny darling.

My tiny darling inside of my chest, softly pacing, silently, whispering. Listen to me.

There’s 6,795,600,000 beating hearts in the world.

Some slowly pacing along, some bursting with joy because of a gentle kiss, some slipping away and silencing, until sobs would rain down on this sleeping muscle and this abandoned chest.

134,000,000 sets of eyes see the world for the first time each year, whilst another 57,000 000 will never open again.

I tend to cling to numbers to get a grip on what life is all about, but no millions could ever relate to what I feel in this tiny, shallow heart of mine. Is there really someone amongst the breathing who knows how it feels to be closed off from your own smiles?

Scarlet letters written inside the smallest corridors of my heart. Will someone ever be able to read the shaky handwriting?

How selfishly stained are questions from me to another 6,795,599,999 hearts?

But these questions I need to ask, these words my heart needs to write. Because it shall not numb, because I won’t give up, because we shall not sleep – we’re still so far from the love that needs to caress us before we can rest our heads on the pillow of this life.

My precious heart, maybe they could fix us if we broke.

Or maybe we already are.

We’ll never be lonely, as long as we have each other, my tiny darling inside of my aching chest.

 And maybe, just maybe…one day another heart will join our sleeping minds at night.

I love you, don’t be afraid.

♥

More than a man, less than a whisper.

Unfaithful to your mind, still you’re more than a man to me.

I shall never have you completely, the lies tasting too sweet to buy.

So how can I let you have me?

I’m just a dancer that moves to the beating of a shivery heart.

Yours.

Portraying the unportrayed.

Looking right through those cheap pick-up lines.

I know what you tell them other girls.

Harlequin-faced pearls you kill to tie them to your charm bracelet.

Murderer.

But not me. Because I will love you, love you unconditionally.

No matter how hard you try, cry, my love.

I will love you. And I will survive.

Never unfaithful to your heart, still you’re less than a whisper to me.

I will be beautiful

“This year, I will be beautiful,” he thought, his heart tied up against his fallen chest.

Several bruised ribs stung his crumbled lungs, sheer gusts of air battling the crooked bones to conquer some needy space.

“Beautiful ,beautiful,” his mind struggled to remember how to breathe.

He grasped a handful of his hair and tugged harshly, relocating the stinging pain from his limbs to his head. One, two, five seconds of numb thoughts before his own screams became significant to his ears again.

He felt daddy’s hurtful hand creeping up his body again, lacing calloused fingerprints in the boy’s skin. Touches contemplating where they would turn vicious and transform pearly skin into grey membranes of broken trust. A voice musing “repulsive,repulsive.”

Daddy wasn’t here  now but daddy was everywhere.

“One day,” he promised his crying eyes “I will be beautiful.”

A sincere thank you ♥

I feel so thankful to be inspired…and inspire back. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my scribbles, my thoughts spun in letters and my heart spilling words from deep inside.

Special thanks to Daniel, for your amazingly sweet words and dazzling me with your gratitude towards my writing. You say I triggered you to write again and I honestly feel positively shaken that my humble, little scribbles have encouraged you to let the words flow from your heart again. Your writing is beyond amazing…simply beautiful.

Read Daniel’s sweet words on my blog and his writing here

I can’t wait to welcome you all to my blog again in 2010. I love you guys so much. You’re the softest flutter a butterfly needs to keep its wings intact.

See you next year *giggles*

Much love and appreciation,

Frauke♥ (Froe ;D) xoxo